Why the Spark Fades & How to Adjust

Our Dr. Love, Valentina Tudose writes about the honeymoon period.

Author/ Valentina Tudose
2 July 2025

That first high of love – constant butterflies, 3 a.m. texts, thinking their snoring is adorable – is chemically designed to end. Yes, you heard it right. Infatuation is not meant to last forever. It may feel good but it is also using a LOT of brain energy to keep obsessing about someone, no matter how ‘special’ they are.

For Hong Kong couples, reality hits extra hard and very fast. Family pressure, sky-high rent, and trying to share a 300 sq. ft. flat without murdering each other are all factors bound to bring you crashing down to the ground once you decide to make things ‘Official’.

Why the ‘spark’ dims is a question I hear ALL the time, so let me break it down for you.

The Science of Love has shown that different chemicals are present at different times during a relationship, and they influence our experience. In the early stage of love (called Lust or Infatuation) our brain is flooded with dopamine (also called, ‘The Molecule of More’) keeping us in a state of permanent desire for the presence of the other – a bit like an extended fireworks show.

But, fires that burn high, burn fast, so once that energy is spent, our brain moves towards a new stage called ‘Attachment’. This happens when we’ve spent time getting to know each other and established a strong physical and emotional connection based on a hormone called Oxytocin aka. the ‘Cuddle hormone’. Research shows that couples who hug and touch each other often, feel closer because of this chemical which reinforces the attachment neural circuits.

Hong Kong Reality Check

Local culture is not very touchy-feely, so few couples maintain the habit of frequent physical touch once they settle into a committed relationship. This erodes the connection created during the Lust phase when the attraction chemicals drove and reinforced desire.

Also, stress kills romance. Arguing over whose turn it is to buy toilet paper isn’t sexy and once the anger puts the walls up, it’s hard to bring them down without help.

Adjusting to the Attachment phase

Yes, it happens to everyone, and it does NOT mean you’ve stopped loving each other or that it is time to move on.

Acknowledge that your relationship has moved on to the next phase and from now on, it is up to YOU (both) to keep building your connection. Mother Nature has done its job of bringing you together. It is now time to learn how to write your own love story.

How do you do that?

1. Communicate Without Blame

Replace “You never listen”, with “I feel unimportant when you’re on your phone during dinner.” Conflicts are all about unmet needs, so whenever you feel upset about something, reflect about what you really need/desire in that moment and communicate it clearly.

Pro tip: no one can read minds, even when they love you dearly, so speak up.

2. Create Micro-Moments

Busy lives mean we rarely have free slots in our schedule so find ways to steal a few moments for ‘Us’ time whenever you can. Maybe save a few moments in the morning by showering together instead of waiting outside of the door for the other to finish.

Hong Kong Hack: Take the Star Ferry together—no phones, just skyline views.

3. Accept the 'Roommate phase', but don’t settle in it

It’s normal to feel bored sometimes or not be ‘in the mood’ all the time. Reignite curiosity and desire by trying new things: “What’s a thing you always wanted to do when you were a child and can we explore that together?” It may be taking a drawing class or learning photography, but the point is to keep trying new things together.

Local Tip: Schedule a monthly “no talk about money/family” date night. Try a speakeasy or beach picnic.

About the Author

Valentina Tudose

Valentina Tudose is the founder of Happy Ever After, which specializes in Relationship Coaching and Clinical Hypnotherapy. She is a qualified Singles and Couples Coach with the Relationship Coaching Institute of San Jose, California. She has additional certifications as a Clinical Hypnotherapist and NLP Master Practitioner.

www.happyeverafter.asia.